May the Force be with you (and with your spirit)

Tonight I was reading Luke's genealogy of Jesus, trying to follow the Greek as much as I could (gripping stuff), and was richly rewarded by 3:26:

the son of Maath, the son of Mattathias, the son of Semein, the son of Josech, the son of Joda,

Or, in the Greek:

τοῦ Μάαθ τοῦ Ματταθίου τοῦ Σεμεῒν τοῦ Ἰωσὴχ τοῦ Ἰωδὰ

Notice that last name, the original spelling of "Joda". Its pronunciation should stand out to anyone familiar with the Greek alphabet...

"My beloved son you are; well pleased I am with you."

In addition to being the Lord, the Savior, the Son of God and the Son of Man, Jesus is also a Jedi.

Irony in Spain

This has nothing to do with theology. Apparently the region of Almeria in southern Spain has been experiencing a "reverse greenhouse effect", a decrease in average temperature of 0.3° C per decade, due to--wait for it--greenhouses.

No, those aren't just unusually white-colored fields.

So many rudimentary plastic greenhouses have been erected to grow fruits and vegetables that the albedo (reflectivity) of the region has increased by 9%, reflecting enough sunlight back into space to decrease the temperature.

Just wanted to share.

Why the Hell? Part 3: O Great Love of God

Alright, it's finally time to finish up the exploration on Hell. I've done a lot of thinking and soul-searching, and come to some pretty remarkable conclusions. You may not agree with everything I have to say, but I truly believe I've arrived at a Biblical picture of Hell that is as complete as I can make it.

The Nature of Hell

This is actually surprisingly simple. As I explained last time, the Greek word that is translated to "Hell" in the New Testament is "Gehenna", referring to a place of paganistic fiery child sacrifice outside Jerusalem. So Jesus warns in Luke 12:5: "But I will show you whom you should fear: Fear him who, after your body has been killed, has authority to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him." What are some other characteristics of this Hell?

• Fiery (Matthew 5:22, 18:9, James 3:6)
• A place of destruction of both body and soul (Matthew 10:28)
• A place of darkness (Matthew 6:23)

Well, here we have a contradiction. Hell can't literally be a place of both fire and darkness. What is Jesus getting at? I think these speak to theological, not literal truths--darkness as the absence of God's light, and fire as the destruction of the soul as the body decays.

Here's the crazy part. God isn't just destroying the soul--He's destroying it so He can give us new life. 1 Corinthians 15:50 says, "I declare to you, brothers and sisters, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable." And in v53: "For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality."

In fact, earlier in v42-44, Paul says: "So will it be with the resurrection of the dead. The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable; it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power; it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body." What he is saying applies just as much to the soul. It must be destroyed in order to live forever--to be "saved through the flames" (1 Corinthians 3:15). It isn't pleasant, but it's worth it in the end.

But what about their sin? Paul covers that too! Romans 7:1 says that "the law has authority over someone only as long as that person lives". Dying frees us from the power of sin, and we can't die again. Christians have already died to their sin by being identified with Christ's death, but everyone else still dies in both body and soul, as Jesus says--so that they can be freed from sin. Psalm 32:8 reads, "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you." This verse clearly isn't David speaking like the rest of the Psalm; it's a promise from God.

God's Motives

Throughout scripture we see God revealing Himself more and more to His people as they grow in spiritual maturity and wisdom. As their understanding of Him, of righteousness, and of sin continue, He continues to move ahead of them, drawing them to greater understanding of Himself. As I observed last time, our conception of justice has evolved considerably since the first century. Rehabilitating wrongdoers is now seen as more just and more loving than simply punishing them.

So I believe God, continuing to be vastly beyond us in righteousness, is not "challenging" us to revert back to a retributive model of justice. The purpose of His destroying sinners' souls and raising them to life again is that they can be made perfect, without stain or blemish (Colossians 1:22), fit to enter His kingdom. Death, either through Christ or through Hell, is an essential step of that rehabilitation.

Friends, God is simply too powerful and too loving (2 Peter 3:9) to let any soul slip through His fingers. Whether through Christ or through the fire of Hell, He will bring every last one of us to repentance and a glorious, perfect new life with Him. Yet this shouldn't be a damper to missions, but should drive us to seek to hasten the coming of God's new kingdom! Rejoice in the God who makes all things new under Christ (Ephesians 1:10)!

Author's note: In case it wasn't already obvious, this post is an April Fool's Day joke and I haven't really become a universalist.

Einstein, Champion of Christianity and the American Way

My friend just shared this on Facebook and I got the best laugh I've had in weeks. I couldn't resist reposting it here.

A liberal Muslim homosexual illegal immigrant ACLU lawyer professor and abortion doctor was teaching a class on Karl Marx.
“Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Marx and accept that he was the most highly-evolved being that the world has ever known, even greater than Jesus Christ.”
At this moment, a brave, patriotic, pro-life, Eagle Scout Navy SEAL champion who had served 1500 tours of duty and understood the necessity of war and fully supported all military decisions made by the United States stood up and held a rock.
“How old is this rock?” he asked.
The arrogant professor smirked his PhD smile and smugly replied “4.6 billion years old, you stupid Christian.”
“Wrong,” said the brilliant war hero. “It’s been 5,000 years since God created it. If it was 4.6 billion years old and evolution, as you say, is real… then it should be an animal by now.”
The professor was visibly shaken and dropped his copy of The Origin of Species. He stormed out of the room, his eyes full of liberal crocodile tears.
The 500 students all applauded and registered Republican that day. An eagle named “Small Government” flew into the room and perched atop the American flag and shed a tear on the chalk board. He reminded the students of the necessity of the 2nd Amendment and encouraged them all purchase firearms. The pledge of allegiance was read several times, and God himself showed up and enacted a flat tax rate across the country. Ronald Reagan watched all of this with great joy, smiling from the heavens.
The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He mysteriously lost his life later that year and the coroner found that he died from chronic atheism. The university used the money that would have paid his salary to demolish the biology department building and erect a statue of Rocky in its place.
And the name of the brave patriotic soldier? Einstein.

I'm sure you've seen (and are maybe a bit tired of) the viral posts this one is parodying. A common Christian misconception of these posts it addresses is the belief that, in James Hunter's words, "If you have the courage and hold to the right values and if you think Christianly enough with an adequate Christian worldview, you too can change the world." I used to think that if I could just form the right argument and convey God's truth well enough, any opposition to Christianity would just melt away. How ridiculous. It also points out most of the cultural issues around which conservative Christianity has framed its ministry in the world.

American Football Championship Game!

So, how 'bout that Super Bowl? Two of the best teams in American football coming together to beat the crap out of each other like good all-Americans for a shiny trophy. (Well, until the Packers got their hands on it--literally) The Green Bay Packers versus the Pittsburgh Steelers. Seriously, what kind of a name is "Packers?" and I really think the Steelers should wear metal armor or something. That would be awesome and would make them unstoppable.

For me the big question when preparing for the Super Bowl party was simply: who to root for? It was hard to decide. At first I was thinking of picking the team with the cooler-looking uniforms. The Steelers are yellow and black, but they were wearing their away uniforms so it was more like yellow and white. Not as fun. And since they were playing in Texas for some reason, shouldn't both teams have been wearing their away uniforms? I guess Texas is a bit closer to Wisconsin, right?

So then I decided to look up all the numbers on the players' jerseys--those represent their power level, right?--add them up, and pick the team with the highest total power level. This was quickly defeated when my American football-savvy friends asked if I was counting all the players on the teams, or just the ones in for the season, or just the ones eligible to play in this game... I had no idea how confusing it was. How many players does an American football team need?

Quite a few, I learned. As the game began, the Steelers pursued a "war of attrition" strategy, taking out most of the Packers' defensive line. Were they going to run the Packers out of players? Would the Packers be forced to defend their lead with five guys by the last quarter?

So anyway, I apparently got invited to one of two Superbowl parties. The Packers one. That pretty much settled, if not which team I would root for, which team I wanted to win. Don't blame me, Minnesotans, it was the peer pressure!

But jumping back to before the game, that pre-game show was pretty exhaustive. I wasn't sure if they'd cut all the ribbons and sang all the songs they needed to to make the game officially on. Luckily we were enjoying fantastic food and each others' company. Which made it almost tolerable when the teams both ripped off two fantastic Guitar Hero/Rock Band songs for their self-promoting videos! And who was that cowboy they had narrate both of them? What a turncoat.

Apparently Christina Aguilera messed up the national anthem. I didn't notice during it, or when watching it on Youtube afterward, and eventually I had to listen while following along with the actual lyrics. Nice save. I doubt too many people noticed, right?

Anyway, back to the game. I don't really understand the rules of American football too well. Basically the teams run back and forth chasing the ball and trying to get it to their end, while beating the crap out of each other. And the Steelers were doing an especially good job of it. I kept hearing everyone groan and seeing another player getting hauled down the medical corridor. I don't think I'd enjoy American football, considering most of the players are twice my size.

How did that Ben whatever get to be a quarterback, anyway? His name is impossible to spell, and he has the lowest power level of anyone on his team! I guess it must only apply to attacking people and not to throwing, and he just left the clobbering to that guy with the bushier beard and 99 power level.

And the commercials! Excellent. For a while we rated them out of ten. I decided I liked the commercials more than either team and started rooting for them. The game was just the "commercial break", as in the break from the real show: the commercials. It was pretty funny when a completely ordinary Menards commercial aired in the middle of the high-budget ads. You'd think they'd try to do more with it.

I knew I was skipping the halftime show as soon as I heard it was the Black-Eyed Peas performing. Groan. Luckily I'd just picked up my old Sennheiser HD-201s from a friend I'd been lending them to, so I drowned the whole thing out in glorious metal. See my imminent music blog post on the mainstream. I saw a total of maybe 5 seconds of the show (all from checking if it was over) and heard about as much, so don't ask me how bad it was.

So anyway the Packers got off to a pretty early lead. Why did their endzone get painted green!? It was the right shade of green before it was painted! But of course the American Football committee or whoever controls the game--they're all fake, right?--couldn't have them washing out the Steelers, which was about when the beatdowns and injuries started. Things were looking pretty grim for the Packers going into the second half with their defensive players--especially some important Woodson guy--out of the game. The Steelers were starting to catch up. But the Packers managed to hold onto their lead until the last few minutes...

I've always wondered why, if the timer repeatedly fails to stop when the players are just walking around doing nothing, a team doesn't just stall it out. Well, today I learned why: it's lame and boring. That was a disappointing last minute. And so, through ingenuity, running around, and holding the line at all costs, the Packers won and got to touch a not-so-shiny trophy. See you next year!

Anyway, I think we can all agree who the real winners today were: those guys in the yellow pants. Also Brett Favre and all those commercials.

"What's a Bieber?"

On the Modes of Biking

I live in a middle-ring suburb of Minneapolis. Now that I'm home for the summer, I have great deals of free time and would like to spend some of that free time biking. Problem: I'm convinced I live in one of the most hostile cities to bikers ever. Biking in the city (at least, a bike-friendly city like Minneapolis) looks like this.

Biking out in rural areas doesn't have such nice trails, but there's no one out there anyway and wide highway shoulders serve the same purpose.

Biking in the suburbs looks something like this.

Not too fun for driving, even worse for biking. It's hard to make fast progress when you have to bike on bumpy sidewalks and wait for a walk signal every few minutes. It's mostly a matter of finding streets that are better for biking and sticking with them to minimize your contact with bike-unfriendly streets like that one. If I can bike to Minneapolis' network of trails, I can go anywhere, but getting there is a headache.

Anyway, just in case your find yourself in a similar predicament of having to bike through those bike-hating lands they call the suburbs, here are some tips to keep in mind.

Bike along obstacles. By obstacles, I mean rivers, airports, lakes, freeways, etc; things that streets don't cross. This will reduce the number of intersections. Note that freeways tend to be lined with big intersections and are inadvisable.

Look for shoulders. If you're lucky enough to find one of these, ride it to victory!

Keep to quiet streets. Busy streets tend to make a grid of difficulty, with easy, residential streets in between. These are your friend.

Look both ways before crossing streets. Bring emergency rations if it's a busy street and you have to wait a while.

Always carry a map. Use it only if you're a wimp, though.

Ignore all stop signs. You're a bike, not a car. Signs don't apply to you.

Don't panic. You're just stuck in a nightmarish maze of pavement that wasn't made for you. Everything will be okay.

If all else fails, go off-road. Preferably in a park or other public area. This is easier with a mountain bike. If you must bushwhack across private property, it might help to tell the owner you're biking to cure a disease of some sort. If your sunglasses are cool enough, tell them you're a spy.

Choose a fighting style and hone it to perfection. Just in case you offend a driver.

Don't die. This is always good advice.

With these tips, you should be able to  bike anywhere in your city. Enjoy! Disclaimer: some of this advice may not be factual.

On How the Giant Pliers in the Sky will Come to Kill Us All

Google has foreseen it. I recommend running to the nearest cave as soon as possible. Or Middlebrook Hall; as vice president, I will protect us from the giant transdimensional pliers!